— by Chris Meroff

Empathy. It’s a word that I have been afraid of most of my life. I was so afraid of this word that I failed to truly understand what it meant. Out of ignorance, I made fun of it.

Even worse, I made fun of people who needed it. I thought they were so weak. So needy. Not me! I was strong.

I didn’t need someone to pamper me, encourage me or even see me emoting. In fact, I didn’t want to see myself emoting.

I learned at an early age that emotions weren’t for me. Growing up in New England, I was told that I needed to be strong for the people around me. I needed to push emotions away so I could show up well for the people in my life. They didn’t want to be around someone who was an emotional mess. So, I stopped learning about the intricacies of emotions. I chose others instead of my own emotions.

This is the lie I was told and told myself for 40 years. This lie led directly to loneliness, isolation, and depression. Eventually, I had to confront my suppressed emotions. And if you are wondering why empathy is important in leadership, let me tell you that it’s not only necessary but one of the most critical aspects. I want to convince you that empathy is important in leadership, business, marriage, parenting, and faith. This is my story.

Perfecting the Emotionless Life

I spent the first 25 years of marriage and 20 years as a business leader perfecting this lie. The lie; emotions make me weak and needy. No one wants to follow a weak and needy leader. Instead, I communicated to everyone in my life that they were too weak and needy to offer me help.

My poor wife never felt as though she had any role in supporting me, encouraging me, or even understanding me. My employees learned that I had no weaknesses. They were intimidated and felt less than. I shut everyone out.

Eventually, not by my own choice, I started learning about the power of empathy…for others. I was being disciplined by a pastor in our local church in the area of empathy. I was learning that people needed to feel connected and not lonely. Through an authentic community (people who you trust and are willing to be honest with you), people could have courage to face their emotions, address the hurt, and start to heal. After mulling over this idea, I wanted to be a part of the process.

My New Appreciation for Empathy

I learned that my wife didn’t want me to fix anything, but instead wanted me to listen, understand, and feel what she was feeling. This simple act of mirroring her feelings brought comfort and healing. Through discipleship, I discovered Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others’ joy], and weep with those who weep [sharing others’ grief].”

Out of obedience to my Lord, I determined to empathize with the people in my life. I would feel what they feel. Unfortunately, I learned pretty quickly that I was incredibly ignorant of the language of emotions. I started learning about all the different words used to describe how someone felt. There were a lot of words! I found myself feeling sad for people who were in high emotion, but learned that was sympathy, not empathy.

Yikes, this was harder than I thought!

Once I learned that I needed to feel what they felt, I realized that pushing away emotions for a lifetime left me unable to flip an emotional switch. I had to go back and categorize all of my emotional responses I had experienced since a child. I’m still working on this massive project! I could see the impact on people's lives. God knew what he was doing! He made us for this!

Escaping the Prison of My Own Making

After a couple of years on this journey, I faced my own breaking point. My discipleship pastor asked me if there was anyone with whom I could share my deepest fears, hopes, or hurts. Of course, I lied (to my pastor!). When anyone would ask me how I was doing, my automatic response would be “fine,” “good,” or “ok.” I would never be that messy or needy. I wouldn’t want someone to have to deal with my mess! I wouldn’t want someone to feel the pain, hurt, discouragement, fear, loneliness, insecurity…

The dots connected! It all came crashing in. I realized that I was in a prison of my own making. I wouldn’t let anyone else in. I needed empathy! Me! Never dawned on me that I needed the same healing that I was willing to offer to others. Talk about being afraid. I was going to have to tell people that I was not fine, good, or ok.

What if they run away from me?

What if they realized that I’m a mess?

What if they reject me?

What if no one wanted to follow such a needy leader?

These questions haunted me for the next year. Slowly but surely, I started to finally be brave.

Why Does Empathy Matter in Leadership? Bravery, Freedom, Humility, and Authenticity

Empathy requires vulnerability. Could I be brave enough to be vulnerable? If I wanted someone to rejoice or weep with me, I needed to let people know how I felt. Trust people with my emotions, needs, and mess. Be the person I used to make fun of. I needed to be brave. The bravest leader. The leader who would share their fears, failings, and emotions. The leader who trusts that God knows what I need. The leader who lives in humility. The leader who is vulnerable.

Nobody ran away. Nobody laughed. Nobody rejected me. God answered my deepest fear with love, relationship, and real community. My old definition of leadership faking strength, confidence, and independence was replaced with one word…Empathy. Quick to empathize with others and a willingness to let others in through vulnerability.

This, in fact, was the bravest leadership!

Chris Meroff is the CEO and founder of DCX Community where he hosts a personal development conference and monthly networking event, The Table Network. He and his colleagues host the podcast, The Table Network Podcast, where they have intentional conversations with successful business owners and authors in order to build deeper relationships and better businesses. Chris thrives on getting to meet with—and mentor—other leaders in the community. In his upcoming book, The Empathy Revolution: Practical wisdom to combat organizational and social loneliness (Oct. 17, 2023), Chris shares his philosophy in a practical guide on why the current model of leadership isn’t working.

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